June 10, 2016
Week in Review/for PhillyVoice
The Philadelphia Police department always releases videos of suspects who break windows.
Philadelphia City Council approves soda tax at 1.5 cents per ounce, half the rate Mayor Jim Kenney lobbied for. “Well, there go my dreams of building Mountain Dew Baja Blast Academy Ultra.” “But sir, you can still open a nice little RC Cola Kindertown.” “It’s not the same. I guess I just dream too darn x-treme.”
During the final hearing on the soda tax, finance director Rob Dubow reveals that some of the tax also goes to the city’s general fund. Thanks to some clever accounting by this new breed of over-educated brainiac kindergartners.
The Mural Arts Program announces it will replace a deteriorating mural of old-time Philly rockers with a new one on Broad Street. We had this whole elaborate Dorian Gray joke, but by the end, even we didn’t get it.
The new mural will feature the same artists as the old one with the addition of James Darren and the omission of singer/TV personality Eddie Fisher, Carrie Fisher’s father. “In light of the events on Alderaan, we no longer thought it was appropriate to include Mr. Vader.”
A 13-year-old Northeast Philly boy who collects antique radios notices the one in the Al Capone exhibit at Eastern State Penitentiary is historically inaccurate, so the prison replaces the radio and gives the kid the other one as a gesture of thanks. Enjoy your haunted radio, kid.
Protesters from an anti-poverty group say they’ll still march down Broad Street during the Democratic National Convention, despite being denied the permit to do so. Pro-poverty activists say they’ll be zipping around the city in their limos around the same time, so maybe they’ll cross paths.
A Newtown Square resident who runs an animal shelter donates 23 sets of dog body armor to the Philly Police Department’s K-9 unit. “Hey guys! Sorry I’m late to the meeting. Saw a squirrel,” says Barks Ruffalot, Philly PD’s 24th dog. “Ooh, I see they’re giving away cute little vests. Where’s mine?”
T. Milton Street Sr. announces he will run as an independent in the 2nd Congressional District race. “Listen. I know I won’t win, but I genuinely have nothing better to do. Absolutely nothing. Zero. Zip. Nada,” says Street. "I considered setting up food carts to sell soda for cheap on the other side of City Line Avenue, but that’s a lot of work, man. A lot more work than being a congressman. Besides, even I know soda is bad for you."
Security camera footage shows a man throwing an object at the District Attorney's Office, breaking the window. The object has yet to be identified because moments after the incident, D.A. Seth Williams seized it by civic forfeiture, stuffed it in his cheek and ran off to bury it in the yard.
SEPTA police are investigating after fireworks were set off behind a cashier's booth at 56th Street Station on the Market-Frankford Line. “I’m a grouch who doesn’t like cool things and I think fun should be banned,” says the awful person who is in charge of SEPTA, apparently.
An Upper Darby woman is arrested after customs officers said they found thousands of dollars worth of cocaine hidden inside instant chocolate drink mix cans at the Airport. “Sounds like a sugary drink to me,” says Mayor Kenney, splashing around in a baby pool full of pennies.
