August 17, 2015
Only a comedian can find humor in the Sixers' last two seasons of tanking.
Hannibal Buress loves pro basketball as much as he despises Bill Cosby. The charismatic comic, who scored national exposure after riffing about Cosby and the sexual assault allegations at the Trocadero last October, is a huge hoops fan.
When asked about the Sixers tanking project, the rising humorist laughed.
“I don’t get it,” Buress said. “To me, the Sixers are like a company that produces mayonnaise. If the Sixers were a mayonnaise company the marketing would be like ‘we’re going to be producing some very bad mayonnaise for a couple of years. For three or four more years our mayonnaise is going to be so bad that it will make you sick. But after that we might be good.’ It’s just really strange to me.”
The mayo comparison is apt since the Sixers have left a bad taste in the mouth of many fans. Even the most ardent aficionados must question the Sixers' plan. Beyond the fervent few, who have bought into the ‘believe in the process,’ phrase, most fans, particularly season ticket holders, who are spending thousands of dollars on horrid basketball, can’t take much more.
“It’s always been all Sixers and now my kids love that team,” Shoemaker said. “That might not be a good thing. I’m expecting social services to come out here at anytime due to their support of a tanking team.”
With Joel Embiid out for another season, can the Sixers even think about another season of tanking so the enigmatic organization can score another top three draft pick?
Absolutely not says lifelong Sixers fan Craig Shoemaker, who is a veteran comedian, who has lived in Los Angeles for the last generation.
The Springfield, Montgomery County native believes that it’s time to stop tanking. “We have some players to build with right now,” Shoemaker says. “We got (Jahlil) Okafor. We didn’t screw that up. We have him, Nerlens Noel and I love Ish Smith. He gives the Sixers the most speed since Allen Iverson. We can start moving in the right direction and win games now. There’s no need to sabotage this team. It's kind of painful right now but I love the Sixers."
Shoemaker is probably among five fans who are extremely devoted to the woebegone franchise. Shoemaker, who helped bring Tony Luke franchises to LA, spends countless dollars on tickets and merchandise.
Give Shoemaker credit for not turning his back on the Sixers in favor of the purple and gold. Shoemaker is close friends with Lakers owner Jeanie Buss and is part of the team's vaunted "in-crowd."
“I was in the Lakers box in 2001 thanks to Jeanie but I was rooting for the Sixers,” Shoemaker said. “I’ll never forget what Allen Iverson did that season and in game one in Los Angeles. It was amazing.”
But Shoemaker, who was Magic Johnson’s second banana during the great Laker guard’s brief abysmal talk show “The Magic Hour,” never let the glitz of Showtime pull him away from the Sixers.
“It’s always been all Sixers and now my kids love that team,” Shoemaker said. “That might not be a good thing. I’m expecting social services to come out here at anytime due to their support of a tanking team.”
“I’m upset since I think Hinkie owes me money for the Michael Carter-Williams jerseys I bought and for the therapy my five-year-old needs due to all of the psychological damage he has caused," Shoemaker said.
A number of fans, Shoemaker included, are upset over the trade of Michael Carter-Williams for what looks like a middle or late first round draft pick.
“Thank you Philadelphia for Michael Carter-Williams,” comic-impressionist/Milwaukee Bucks fan Frank Caliendo says. “He’s a great addition to the Bucks. You trade the (2014) rookie of the year for a draft pick. Good luck with that. Are the Sixers going to get a player as good as Carter-Williams with that pick?"
Shoemaker doesn’t think so.
“We get the Lakers first round pick, which will not be a good one considering how much they’re going to improve next season,” Shoemaker says. “I’m upset since I think Hinkie owes me money for the Michael Carter-Williams jerseys I bought and for the therapy my five-year-old needs due to all of the psychological damage he has caused. I don’t think Hinkie understands the damage he is doing to all of the children who love the Sixers. Explaining to my five-year old why MCW was traded was like explaining life and death. I have to be careful now when my kids pick a favorite player. I’ve told them that it’s like a one-night stand since Hinkie won’t put a ring on their finger.”
But what Hinkie is all about is putting a ring on all the players fingers but we're not talking about the gold band. The plan was to gut the team and start building from ground zero and collecting as many top draft picks with the hopes of scoring a long-term difference maker, such as a Tim Duncan or Kobe Bryant.
The only problem is that the Sixers have no control over the class, which hits the draft. And then there is the NBA lottery system, which can mess up a good tanking. Just ask the New York Knicks, who had the second-worst record last season but dropped to fourth in the draft.
“And the problem was there were just three difference makers,” comic Richard Lewis said.
The Sixers were fortunate to land Okafor. Sure, on paper, they would have been luckier to pick D’Angelo Russell, who was tabbed by the Lakers with the second pick. The Sixers need guard help and they have three bigs but what are the odds each of those horses will pan out? Embiid may never play an NBA minute due to a foot injury. No player has come back from his particular malady. Is Noel a super athletic part-time player or a budding superstar? Okafor has tremendous post skills but will his defensive game develop?
“Anyone who thinks losing is good is a liar,” Buress says. “But it’s one thing to go out there and do your best and lose. It’s another to go out and try to lose. No mayonnaise company would do that."
If just one of those three becomes a superstar, the Sixers should be pleased. The Sixers need a lot but is tanking the way to get there?
“I think it’s weird to operate the way they do,” Caliendo said. “If it’s the middle of the season and you’re in a free fall, well, maybe then I can see a team tanking. But it was obvious before the last two seasons began that the Sixers were tanking. I was at the Bucks opening game, which was against the Sixers in Milwaukee, (in 2014). It was a strange vibe facing the Sixers. Compare the Sixers with the Bucks. They both were horrendous the prior year. The Bucks drafted Jabari Parker with the second pick of the draft and he was out for most of the season and the Sixers picked Joel Embiid, who was the third pick of the draft was out for the season and the Bucks [were] in the playoffs and where are the Sixers? What that proves to me is that the Sixers GM (Sam Hinkie) doesn’t know how to pick players.”
Hinkie should be fine when he is selecting in the top three, but even those aren’t guarantees. Where have you gone Sam Bowie, Greg Oden and Shawn Bradley?
The real skill is selecting the non-lottery picks and adding the right free agents. That’s how the Atlanta Hawks morphed from mediocrity to superiority. It’s difficult to pull off but that’s why general managers are paid handsomely.
Mediocrity is like quicksand in the NBA. Teams can stay in the middle of the pack for ages. Hinkie believes he has the formula. He has what seems to be one piece of the puzzle in Okafor.
The Sixers also have plenty of cap space. Now is the time to try to win, at least for coach Brett Brown’s sake. Losing kills. Former Phillies manager Eddie Sawyer was asked why he quit after an opening day loss in 1960.
“I'm 49-years old and I want to live to be 50,” Sawyer cracked.
The Sixers have to turn the page since losing isn’t funny or good for anyone.
“Anyone who thinks losing is good is a liar,” Buress says. “But it’s one thing to go out there and do your best and lose. It’s another to go out and try to lose. No mayonnaise company would do that. If the Sixers are smart, they won’t do it anymore either.”
