August 12, 2016
Leigh McKenzie/for PhillyVoice
They come with fire, they come with axes, gnawing, biting, breaking, hacking, burning. Destroyers and usurpers, curse them.
Protesters put a white KKK hood on the statue of Frank Rizzo.
“I mean, technically I’m Italian and Catholic, so I wasn’t allowed to join the KKK, but I see your point,” says the ghost of Rizzo. “P.S. You’ll be happy to know I’m totally in Hell now. That’s right, crumb bums: Hell is real and I’m in it.”
Meanwhile, North Wildwood business owner ‘Achoo Lenny’ continues to delight visitors with his beachside display of used tissues.
Philly-born comedian Kevin Hart signs a deal to put out a rap album under his “alter ego.”
So be on the lookout for a new album by Tall Unannoying Man Who Says No To A Movie Deal Every Once In A While.
“Skinny Joey” Merlino is released on $5 million bail and fitted with an ankle bracelet.
“Better make it extra tight — I’m so skinny!” he says. “Also, I’m a well-connected flight risk!”
So we have to be proud about that now, apparently.
Two men in Fishtown are caught on video cutting down a tree to steal a bike locked to its trunk.
“I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees.
They say ‘don’t lock your bikes to us, please.’”
A pool in Abington Township is closed due to the discovery of a “crypto” parasite in the water.
“I am Cryptosporidium, and I can make you sick
so wipe your butt before you go swimming, you d--k.”
Police are looking for a man they say bit and punched a SEPTA bus driver.
“My name is Bitesy, they say I’m insane
I bit a bus driver. Vaccines cause autism. Investigate 9/11.”
