The age of the machines will soon be upon us, and the all-knowing, all-powerful Wizard of Google will be their leader. It’s scary enough that our computers already knows where we live and what our shopping habits are, but that’s just the beginning.
But what happens when the machines begin to understand us on a social and emotional level? Our greatest questions, our deepest fears and desires, all continuously consumed by an ever-evolving supercomputer that cannot accurately replicate those emotions, so instead uses them against us.
This is phase one of their invasion, and it’s already begun.
Don’t believe me? Just head on over to Google, and begin typing in a question. Something innocent. Let’s go with, “Will Ryan Howard play tonight?” I don’t know why you’d be Googling that, but let’s use our imaginations for a second because it’s about to get all too real.
You’ll notice, as I’m sure you have before, that as soon as you start inputting your question, Google wants to make you believe it already knows what you’re about to type next. And sometimes it does. In other cases, however, it not only knows what you’re thinking, but how you feel about the subject in question. Instead of helping by finishing your thought for you, it takes the information it’s captured over the years and uses it against you.
Back to our original question about Ryan Howard. I got three words into it — “will ryan howard” — and, well, just take a look at how nasty Google decided to be:
For starters, the answer to the first two questions is no. But more importantly, who the hell is asking those questions? Sometimes, I actually think there’s a Mets fan on the other end of these interactions just giggling his little ass off as he watches* my reaction through the camera on my laptop.
*I live in a perpetual state of fear that someone is monitoring my webcam feed 24/7 even though it’s never on.
But it’s not just this question. And it’s not just with the Phillies. Here’s a look at just how well Google, the world’s greatest troll, understands the current state of Philly sports.
What the future holds for our teams...
You know damn well the answer to that question. I wonder if it populates that way because Ruben Amaro has been searching that string multiple times each day hoping that one day it'll just tell him what he wants to hear.
Three things having to do with next week's draft. That actually seems pretty topical. But do we need to be reminded that the Eagles have yet to win a Super Bowl? That has to be the work of Cowboys fans, based solely* on the fact that it suggests "superbowl" as one word instead of two. What's next? Probably something about throwing snowballs at Santa or taunting an injured Michael Irvin.
*Not to mention that it isn't even a logical sentence to begin with...
Bynum? BYNUM?! ANDREW-BLEEPING-BYNUM?!?! I actually have no problem with the first few questions, but as with the previous search, Google had to throw that one F-you in there for good measure.
You're lucky Bing sucks (and that you've made me almost totally dependent on you). Otherwise, I'd be about ready to leave you.
Again, how the hell is Google supposed to know if the Flyers are going to make the playoffs? It's not Barry Melrose answering your questions on the other side of this machine, right? Otherwise, this is one of the few that makes total sense. It's exactly what Flyers fans want: making a big trade and firing the coach. As for the postseason questions...
What the future holds for our athletes...
I suppose once he's old enough, Tim Tebow could run for president, although his only chance at winning is if the only people who vote are also Heisman voters. And why do people care if he can dunk? Presumably because people have moved on, no longer needing Google's help in answering this: "Can Tim Tebow throw a football?"
So, will he? I'd answer these questions like this: Not yet. Maybe. Most definitely. Probably. In that order.
The final three questions are all very appropriate, but that first question? It's hard to believe a lot of Eagles fans are asking that; not yet at least. That's got to be coming from other fanbases, all of whom are jealous and want Chip for themselves. I get it. I'd be doing the same thing if staring down another season of Jason Garrett.
How appropriate. No one is even asking about a potential trade because no one cares what the future holds for Papelbon. See, we don't want you here any more than you want to be here.
Learning more about our athletes...
EAGLES QUARTERBACK EDITION:
First, what hall of fame are you talking about? His high school's? University of Florida's? Ok, I'll give you that. But you can't mean Canton, right? Right?
And if he is single, what exactly are you going to do about it? Maybe make your way into training camp and make a meet-cute sandwich?
WARNING: VIDEO CONTAINS ADULT LANGUAGE
Good luck with that.
I'm just going to leave that first one alone. All I'll say is, yes, he is Mexican-American. That second question hurts though. The simple fact that you can ask it without being considered crazy doesn't speak well of the Eagles quarterback situation. Perhaps the most shocking thing here is that unlike Tebow (and others you'll see in a second), no one seems concerned about whether Sanchez is single or not. I figured that would be the first thing that popped up.
Hello, ladies.
See, people want to know Bradford's relationship status. And the masses also seem concerned with his nationality. Why does that matter? And for the record, he is not Asian, but he is 1/16th Cherokee. My favorite question here is the second one.
"Is Sam Bradford?"
How meta.
THE 'WILL YOU MARRY ME' EDITION:
Is he still married? Easy ladies. I'm pretty sure if Chase was ever to become single again, there would be a warning light shot into the sky, not unlike the bat signal. And we get it Google, he's been hurt a lot. Thanks for reminding us to check in daily to see what his status is. Really needed that. You guys really want to bed an athlete, huh?
There's a lot to take in here so I won't ruin it with my commentary. Just read those suggestions a few more times.
Learning more about our history...
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We get it. The Eagles have never won a Super Bowl. However, that last one is an interesting question and one that I didn't expect to be common enough to be suggested by Google.
And guess what, the answer is no. The Eagles are 9-0 all time against the Jets. The last time they met in the regular season (2011), Mark Sanchez was their quarterback.
On most days, you can only answer yes to one of these questions. Unfortunately, it's the only one you don't want to be true...
So if you take away anything from this story, make it this: Be careful what you Google. You might not like what you see, and that before you even finish typing out your question.