March 26, 2015

Conspiracies: Why is Zayn Malik leaving One Direction?

From the truly silly to the purely absurd

By Daniel Craig
PhillyVoice Staff

The hearts of teenage girls around the world stopped beating for a moment on Wednesday when Zayn Malik announced he was leaving boy band One Direction.

The split, according to an official announcement posted on the band's Facebook page, was a mutual one. Malik reportedly wants to spend more time being a normal 22-year-old. The problem with that, of course, is that you can't really be a normal version of anything when you have more than 14 million followers on Twitter and have spent the past five years as a member of the world's biggest pop group.

When you're as adored as Malik, wanting to live an average life isn't an acceptable answer for some fans. Here are some of the outlandish conspiracy theories that have popped up since the news broke Wednesday.

Oh, and please withhold your judgment for my interest in One Direction. Their third album, "Midnight Memories," was actually pretty good.

(Disclaimer: These theories are entirely silly and are in no way believed by the author.)

JOHN STAMOS IS REPLACING HIM

That's former Drake and Josh star Josh Peck with a man who needs no introduction. John Stamos certainly has the musical chops. Not only has he sung on Broadway, but Stamos has toured and performed with The Beach Boys. The problem here is that Stamos' teen heartthrob days are long behind him. Besides, what he should really be doing is working on another "Full House" reunion.

HE'S SWITCHING PLACES WITH JEREMY CLARKSON FROM 'TOP GEAR'

With the news of Jeremy Clarkson being let go from BBC's car show "Top Gear" coinciding with Malik's departure, it's times like these that we should be thankful for Photoshop:

Zayn Malik conspiracy x x x x x pic.twitter.com/IC9b0qI450
— h-dog (@hayley_daragon) March 25, 2015

It's hard to determine what would be more entertaining: Malik trying to fit in with these guys or Clarkson attempting to croon with One Direction. Actually, it's not hard at all. Who wouldn't want to see Clarkson pull out a chainsaw on stage in a stadium full of horrified 13-year-olds?

VICE: HE'S BECOMING A PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE

Vice cooked up this theory, compiling a number of photos of Malik posing in athletic gear. They're joking, of course. However, it's not unusual for celebrities to box each other on occasion. Maybe he can go toe-to-toe with Mitt Romney when Evander Holyfield is done with him. Or perhaps Major League Soccer will come calling. It looks like he has a decent skill set: