The Sixers have a huge decision to make Thursday night. With the third overall pick in the NBA Draft, general manager Sam Hinkie will select a player that could seriously impact the future of the team.
Take for example D'Angelo Russell, the smooth-shooting guard out of Ohio State. Or Kristaps Porzingis, the lanky European big man with an insane set of raw skills.
Or Mayor Michael Nutter, the Philadelphia politician with an ample backside but sluggish defense.
The incredibly addicting and extremely fun new feature on the sports blogging community site allows you to enter anyone's name, and it gives you a scouting report like those used for real NBA Draft prospects, only the player's strengths and weaknesses are made of pure nonsense.
So in anticipation of the draft Thursday night, we decided to give Hinkie a few alternative options with his lottery pick in the form of his executive counterparts here in Philly. And, in an exercise in absurdity, we've broken down the scouting reports to decipher their accuracy and find out which Philly sports decision maker best fits Hinkie's Sixers.
Chip Kelly
Analysis: The scout that put this report together should lose their job. Kelly has redefined "new-school mindset" in the NFL, and attended New Hampshire University. Oh, and why does "mouthfeel" keep coming up as a strength? The definition of the word is "the sensation created by food or drink in the mouth." How is that an attribute? Ignore this report, Hinkie. Kelly isn't afraid to tear down the old to usher in what he thinks is right for your team, and would fit right in to your sports-science oriented #culture.
Ruben Amaro Jr
Analysis: Maybe Amaro has an incredible basketball IQ. Heck, maybe he's a basketball genius. That might help explain why he seemingly knows very little about baseball. Ultimately though, that second weakness is why Hinkie should stay away. Amaro is basically just a child posing as a general manager, and his decisions pretty much reflect that. Plus, holding onto old stars well past their primes contradicts Hinkie's approach of getting value from players who may not have reached their potential yet to maximize their value. This one is credible, and reason to stay away from him with a valuable draft pick, as Amaro's approach is pretty much the opposite of Hinkie's.
Ron Hextall
Analyis: "Extremely" foreign may be an overstatement, but Hextall is Canadian, and you never know about foreign players. He was certainly an elite athlete during his tenure as a goalie for the Flyers. But when it comes to the beer-drinking ability, Hextall doesn't really have a reputation as a partier, so that doesn't hold up. Either way, Hextall, went against the Flyers grain when he hired outsider Dave Hakstol as coach, which is right up Hinkie's alley of thinking outside the box. Yet that's only one move, and Hextall still hasn't proven that he's willing to make a multiple risky decisions for longterm success.
Verdict: Amaro and Hextall represent too much of the old guard, while Kelly is the type of analytical mind that fits Hinkie's controversial mentality. With the first and only pick in the Philadelphia GM draft, the Sixers select Chip Kelly.